The milky way

So I'm terribly conflicted about weaning. We decided to start the process and eliminated the when-mama-gets-home-from-work feeding. That was fine during the week, but then we hit the weekend and I nursed her nearly every time she wanted it. "But she wants me," I said pitifully to Eric when he went to fetch her sippy cup when she wanted to nurse not long after a meal. Away from her, I'm pretty keen on the weaning idea. When I'm with her, it's more complicated. There are certainly reasons to do it. We've successfully passed the one-year mark and Chloë is now drinking whole cow's milk part of the time, so we can do it without any repercussions. And she uses her teeth on and off. And it's kind of annoying to have her clawing at my chest and lifting my shirt anytime she wants a drink, especially in public. And lately she's much more fond of extreme nursing (e.g., wiggling until she's fallen off the pillow, pushing herself to her feet with her butt in the air so she looks like an inchworm, leaning over on me when I'm lying on my back) than simply lying there and drinking. And when she does lie down, she pokes and pinches my arms and sticks her feet in my face. And I'm tired of pumping.

But then it's very sweet that she relies on me for her favorite food. And it's nice to cuddle with her when she does settle down. And it makes her happy. And it's so convenient. And she doesn't always use her teeth. And the new recommendations are to nurse indefinitely if "mutually desired by mother and child" and my friends are mostly the baby-led weaning sort, which makes me feel guilty about forcing it. And I feel terrible when she wants me and I have her father take her away with a bottle (the, uh, one time we've done that). And it's helping with my weight. And I worked so hard to make nursing work and now it does and do I really want to give it up so soon? So. Conflicted.

Chloë also seems to be conflicted, but it doesn't seem to be causing her the angst mine causes me. We nursed this morning, which never takes long anymore. Or not the actual nursing part; she often takes one side, demands to hear a story or three, and then takes the other side. (She loves story time, or maybe I should say turn-the-pages time. Yesterday we were playing on her floor and she pointed to the bookcase, then patted the chair to indicate we needed to sit up there and read.) After the first side, she picked up one of the bottles from the day before and tried drinking from it. I pointed out that it was empty, but this didn't deter her from trying again, then playing with it, then offering it to me. Then she took the second side and we read some stories before going downstairs to fix my lunch and her bottles.

Obviously I shouldn't sweat this; she likes the bottles, she likes both kinds of milk, and there will be plenty of cuddle time without nursing. I guess since she's working on the walking (six tiny steps yesterday! And a full-on lunge between the couch and me, including a big step in between) and we're not worried about the talking, I have to find something to worry about.